Vladimir Russov is a car-salesman but he is not just any car salesman. Vladimir (Vlad to his friends, ‘Vladim that scoundrel I married’ to his wife and Vladibobo to his mistress) is the top selling used car salesman in the Balkans for three years running. This year, Petro Smolyansky came out of nowhere and threatened to topple Vladimir from his pedestal by selling a 2018 Land Rover Discovery at 4.35pm on December 31st. Petro came close but was one seat warmer away from pipping Vlad to the post and Vladimir once again claimed the coveted prize - an all-expenses paid week in Prattville, Alabama from the 8 -15 of February to attend the 3rd International Used Moto & Auto Convention, affectionately known to industry insiders as Wheels, Deals & Sassy Steals.
When business resumed in the New Year, Vlad found the following letter on his desk from the convention organisers. Tucked into the envelope was a set of keys for a 2018 Land Rover Discovery and a request for full refund.
Dear Vladimir,
Seasons Greetings. Good Tidings. Happy New Year. It has come to our attention that you will be once again representing the Status Used Car Emporium Group at this year’s International Used Moto & Auto Convention. Along with our tepid congratulations we also note that you have already placed 17 calls to the hotel to secure the ground floor, poolside suite and a mini bar stocked exclusively with vodka. We equally note with regret that the ‘Tackling Inappropriate Behaviour in the Workplace’ seminar you were asked to take for the third time seems to have had little effect.
Contrary to appearances, we remind you that the International Used Moto & Auto Convention is not a jolly. We represent a serious organisation of dedicated professionals who gather once per year to celebrate excellence, ingenuity and customer service par-excellence in the field of used cars and automotive bargains. Therefore, to protect our reputation, sponsors and patrons and ensure the insurers don’t crap out on our claim again, we have laid out the following rules for your participation.
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
To say your attire last year was inappropriate would be an understatement. Citing lost luggage you appeared in your bathing trunks and the hotel bathrobe for the duration of your stay. Not one other stitch of clothing. While true that the climate in Prattville is particularly clement in February, particularly if you hail from the chilly Balkans, red Speedos and hotel spa slippers are a step too far.
The Interns are in Revolt
No one admits it but free labour makes this convention possible. All the interns that traipse down here do it for extra credit, work experience, recommendation letters, college essay fodder and the free food. They are not here to lose their tuition to your late-night poker games, nor to run your booth while you nap, nor to chauffer you around town in a pink stretch limo while fielding calls from your bewildered clients, your angry boss and your irate wife.
In a quick show of hands, we can’t find a single intern who is willing to work with you this year, which means one of us has to do it and for that we will be raising the cost of your participation by 40%.
To Claim or Not to Claim Expenses?
No one likes to read tiresome HR emails. Clearly this is especially true in your case, as we are informed by the technical team that we have over 100 unopened email notifications from your inbox. To spare ourselves another tedious meeting with the junior accountants taking us through a mountain of your unclaimable receipts we have prepared a helpful list of legitimate business expenses. Please turn to page 12 of the newly re-written delegate pack to review the following in excruciating detail (by the way, thanks for this, we really really wanted to spend our Christimas holidays rewriting the handbook).
-Allowable claimable expenses - Nothing. Zip. Zero. We get you here and back, we house you, we feed you, that’s all folks.
-Non allowable claimable expenses - Everything else but particularly alcohol, drugs, soft furnishings, small electrical appliances and the accompanying overnight air freight to your home address. By the way, the hotel bathrobe is not complimentary, nor are the soap dispensers that you unscrewed from the wall!
-You have got to be kidding expenses - Anything related to your special guests such as manicures, pedicures, massages, chocolate fountains, edible lube and diamante poodle collars, really the ming boggles.
-Vladimir, get real! You cannot expense this and we strongly recommend you don't pay for this out of your own pocket as it will land you in jail expenses - Gratuities for escorts, pawn broker tickets, IOUs to loan sharks.
Status Used Car Emporium Group are one of our biggest exhibitors and we value our relationship but you are single-handedly driving us to ruin. We’re a scrappy start up trying to break into automotive expos and carve out a new niche. We’re convinced we’re onto something with the used car thing (sustainable, eco-friendly, less waste and all that jazz) and we’re trying to make Wheels, Deals & Sassy Steals a legit big-boy auto expo but if you carry on like this there will be no convention next year so for our mutual sakes, just quit it and for god sakes this year bring some pants!!
If you don’t acknowledge this letter and agree to the terms within the next seven days we have no choice but to invite your boss or your wife to join you….or both!
Sincerely yours,
Jackson Broderick
Co-Founder, CEO & Chief Organiser
International Used Moto & Auto Convention
Wheels, Deals & Sassy Steals
P.S. Kindly refund us in full for the Discovery and tell that kumquat Petro that he’s fired!
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